Tuesday, October 6, 2009

affairs of the heart

Trust, it's such a big need in relationships of all sorts. You need trust between your home girls, you need it with your homies, you need it with family, it's simply just needed.

More important, it's necessary to trust one's self. If it isn't about anyone else, and all you got is yourself, you have to be able to trust yourself. Trust your judgement. Trust your decisions.

What happens when you break trust with yourself though? Where do you go from there?

About a year ago, as of November, that's exactly what I did. Always the solid, go-to me, undid all that was solid. I thought I was safe and ultimately I wasn't. I'm sorry if this is cryptic, but I don't care to elaborate right now.

Since then, I have questioned much of what I've done, my thoughts, my decisions, my interactions, the intentions of others, anything that could be questioned, is and was questioned. Don't hit me with the 'Well it's only natural to ask questions, to be unsure.' I don't want to hear that. I know that. But this lack of trust is myself has been on such a different level. And it deviated from a very dark and hurtful incident. But I've survived the incident, yo soy una sobreviviente. I constantly doodle that word, 'sobreviviente', or survivor, to remind myself of this.

Slowly but surely, with help, I've been able to build back my own trust. Being cautious, being aware, feeling right about doing this or that, no matter how significant or insignificant the matter was.

I'm taking a gamble right now, and I'm trying to trust myself that it's worth the risk. I can't lie though, I'm swaying on this one. I'm gambling with affairs of my heart. I don't want to test my heart if it isn't ready, but isn't time the essence of the matter? Or some shit like that?

So I'm either racing against my heart or against time. And I don't know what the fuck it's gonna be.


  1. I'm 100% with you on this Rio. A couple of years ago I made a decision to give my heart to someone who didn't deserve it. Me being a person who always seems to get it right, was so wrong on this one subject, it kind of scarred me a little. But with time, you can always learn to trust again. Especially when it comes to yourself. It's true that you are all you have. You have family, friends and loved ones, that may pass with time, but YOU are always constant.

    PS I'm emailing you these AMAZING pictures I found that made me think of you!

  2. Rio, you surprised me here. i dont usually expect to get such a slap in the face with your posts but WOW. i love it.

    life and love is always a gamble.... always. nothing is ever a sure thing, and usually the house takes you. but once in a while, YOU TAKE THE HOUSE. and thats really what its all about, right?